Okie Dokie, fair enough…
Ode to the Hen-Pig:
A creature that should be set for extinction not multiplication.
The Hen-Pig wants a strong drink but does not want to taste the booze.
The Hen-Pig does not understand why she should tip you if you only ordered a beer. You picked a beer, that was your choice. It was your decision not to utilize my skills. A tip is still in order.
The Hen-Pig wants what she thinks is a martini.
“Oooooh..!” ”Do you make a Key-Lime Martini with a Gram Cracker crust?!”
“No no! no! no! no! you cunt, I don’t!” (I scream in my head), but out of my mouth is,
“What about a Cosmo or Appletini!?”
Ya, sure, no problem. Because you’re still living in the early 90′s, when you weighed 37 pounds lighter and you and the girls would get together to watch Sex in the City.
What is that you say?
Do I make a good Cosmo martini?
No ! No I don’t!
The look on their face is outstanding.
I can not make a good Cosmo Martini because there is no such thing as a “Good Cosmo.”
It was invented for a bartenders “fuck-buddy” that had a urinary track infection.
The Hen-Pig has cut away her long womanly hair so she can easily manage it as she shoves her face into a troff of hot wings.
All Hen-Pigs one day will find their Mecca in the Mid-West among the other multi-layered, muted-color-clothed Hen-Pigs.
It’s OK to keep that bulge sack of “deep-fried everything” under that “fashionable” thing you call a shawl and I call a MooMoo.
And of course no ensemble “onslaught” would be complete without those elastic, stretchy, moose-knukle pants.
And no outfit would be complete with out the shoes. And what scientific, cutting edge support sytem do we have to keep the Hen-pig in place? Nothing but a wafer thin pair of bunion incased, slip-on slippers.
Hen-Pig are the Shaolin Monks of hand-to-hand big purse combat.
The Hen-Pig needs this bag to insure it’s survival.
To take away the bag is to send them clucking back home. Try and cut the Hen-pig’s head off and it will still maul you with annoyance. Your only chance is the purse hook. You might live through this event with the aid of the purse hook.
That sack of needed security loot that clangs like a traveling gypsy circus it could tare down the beauty of the bar top, or it can be given a seat. That’s right, Hen-Pig! Take up another seat just for your purse, no no, I didn’t want a paying customer to sit there, toss it on the seat as if it was a child of neglect.
And when asked to start a tab, you fumble and thrash through that sack until a familiar clucking cry of “OH, I can’t find anything in this thing.”
All in all, I hate!
I hate the Hen-Pig.
I only wish I could chop you all up and fry you like bacon. Then feed you to your own kind. Maybe give you that bacon rimed, ordered at 5:30 in the afternoon, spicy Bloody Marry. By the way, this goes for every one, if it’s past 2pm, don’t order a Blood Marry.
That was a little dark.
On the lighter side, I chose this profession. There are highs and lows, big tippers and walk away not-a-dime stiffer’s. I vent in the hopes of education. Take what knowlege you can and form yourself into a steely-eyed professional. A bar sherpa, if you will. Bottom line, I’m human. I have bad days and good days and as much as I hate, I also love. Take a moment to treat the bartender with respect and take interest in them and I promise the drinks will flow strong.
Shit… Tip me big and I will slop up what ever crime to humanity you want in a glass, Hen-pig.
All things are negotiable.
On a previous post, I mentioned our friend Andy Cauble of Bloodsucka Jones fame, has started a project called “Million Doodle March“.
I posted the picture he did of me, and the one of Hoover and I Podcasting so I decided to post a couple more that he’s done for us.
This is my dog Penny
This is my wife Kara
last and possibly least, Hoover
Happy Valentimes Day!
For this “special” occasion, we thought we’d give you a little treat. Today we unveil our new Banner & Icon for And A Beard We go! And just like real Valentines Day presents, it’s more for us than it really is to the person you’re giving it to, so, you’re welcome…?
The graphics were made by one of my favorite local artists, Chad Eaton, who has created such a cool brand called “Timber!” As we were contemplating what we wanted as our icon, Hoover noticed a piece of art in my office by Chad and shouted “CAN WE USE THAT GUYS STUFF!?!!?” So I reached out to him and I got all gitty when he responded and said that he would work on our graphics! Fast forward a couple months, and here we are…
So PLEASE, do us, him and YOURSELF a favor and check out more of his amazing artwork on his website www.timberpreservationsociety.com and buy a shirt from his Etsy page, I have several shirts, and I’m going to order another, his designs are incredible! You WON’T be disappointed!
As I was looking for good examples of his work, I had a hard time finding just one…
This is one that I have, and if you’ll notice, it’s a-maze-ing! GET IT!?
And finally, one of my favorite pieces of his,
A couple months ago, I mad one of my frequent trips to Oregon City/Portland, OR. One thing to know is that unlike California, or at least the area I call home, Supermarkets don’t carry liquor. I repeat the DO NOT carry liquor, they do carry beer, and Oregon, especially when you make your way north to the Portland areas, is the home of the Micro-Brew. So the beer is obviously going to be great, or at least they have a great selection.
So to get any of the hard stuff, you have to find a liquor store, and find it quick, because they close surprisingly early… seems counter productive to me… Any who, for New Years, we decided to mix up a few Old Fashioned’s, so we stopped at a shop in Oregon City, just down the street from my sister’s place. This was a pretty nice liquor store, for a liquor store… But I came across something that struck my eye, Rouge Brewery’s Dead Guy Whiskey. After a double-take, I realized I wasn’t just seeing things. For those of you who don’t know, Rouge is known for their selection of artisan brews, my favorite is actually their Dead Guy Ale. So it was a no brainer that I needed to put this in me.
Once I cracked the label, I found a surprisingly good whiskey for a company that’s normally known for artisan beers. It’s a lighter whiskey, in both the color and taste, which I’m sure comes from the short time that it’s left in the charred white oak barrels. It’s not very strong, it’s smooth. One thing that you’ll notice is the spicy/peppery after taste, which I appreciate, one of my favorite whiskeys is Hogshead by Edgefield Distilleries (another Portland brand), has a nice spice taste also.
Details on the back of their bottle read:
“Dead Guy Whiskey is distilled from the sweet wort of Rouge’s award-winning Dead Guy Ale. Distiller’s yeast is added and the sweet wort is fermented for 7 days then double distilled in a 150 gallon copper whiskey still and ocean aged in oak.”
It’s a 40% (80 proof) liquor. All in all, it’s a good drink, not my favorite, but worth a “sit & enjoy”, if that makes any sense. I normally drink good whiskeys “neat”, meaning no ice or mixers, this one I actually enjoy with an ice cube or two, just to open it up and get more drink out of the pour. I might pay $45 for another bottle, but maybe one of their other liquors, just to try them. But, if you haven’t tried it, buy a bottle, or wait for a friend to buy it and give it a taste before you drop the skrilla on it.
As Dante’s Inferno was inspired in the hills of Tuscany, I was inspired at the food court at 1 of 3 local Costco locations. Looking at all these people that pay an annual fee so they can buy things that come in gut busting bulk. What does that say about me, and where I stand as a story teller?
Advice, if you want a fast good cheap meal for lunch, call one of your buddies that works in a cubical. Make sure they’re one of those mid-level employees that only gets 30-60 min. for lunch. They make the most out of their time for lunch. The one hour and couple min they get is like deep fried gold to them. They always know the best spots.
Choose…… choose between some meaty, cheesy, melted wrap in a pillowy italian sounding bread with your choice of 3 kinds of dipping sauce. Or a 3 day-old airtight packed saltwater injected chicken breast caesar salad. The lesser of 2 evils. At lightning speed, the thoughts of justification go into action. ”The day is boring, I’m going to treat my self.” ”Hey! You only live once.” ”Damn it’s only Wednesday.” ”I need this to get me through the week.” ”Hey it’s Friday why not.” ”Extra 10 min on the stair stepper tonight at the gym, and by gym I mean one of those community bungalows that you have to drive too. Even though it’s in your complex and they only have 3 exercise machines.”
And as you make your decision on the 3000 plus calorie lunch you announce that what you are fisting into your mouth is sooooooo bad for you.
This is what is bad for you.
The cost of living is towering over the average pay, and from that sacrifices are made. Eat like crap because you have no time to make something. Pressure from friends, pressure from girls, upset because your team lost last night, get over that one by the way!!! Because despite the camaraderie you have with other super-fans, they are not your team!!! They do not care about you and wether you make that minimum payment on your already-3-notices-late Target card or not.
Live life, enjoy everything.
There’s always a but,
Learn to be a professional.
I mean discipline. Go ahead and get the double cheese burger, but not every day. Don’t feel guilty. Just know that it’s what you want.
Next time, granola and yogurt. Life is full of ups and downs, the middle is boring. When you finally learn to embrace that hangover that you tried to wash down with aspirin and a shot of Jack after a weekend at the local youth chilly cook-off that put you up 2 pant sizes (I like wordz with z”s in them) (sorry that was stupid and even more stupid is that I did back-to-back parentheses) you will be a better person. Love the bad as much as the good. Wear them both like a badge of honor. Well that’s all for now kids out there in Myspace land. Log on next time to see what babble I have written. God the only thing sadder than some one having the time to read this is the fact I had time to write it. So try out the advice I think I gave with this note of dribble.
“It’s not so bad for you.”
FIRST – Go listen to Episode 5, on iTunes NOW!
SECOND – We have a lot of new exciting things happening in the Brad/Hoover world, we’re going to be getting an AMAZING re-vamp of our Banner/Icon, so stay tuned for that, we’re in the works of creating a new Podcast for you, and most importantly, we’ve listened to your requests, and we are going to do everything we can to bring you a new Podcast EACH WEEK!
So you can all sleep peacefully now.